Lost Then Found
by ItsWhatIWrite
Summary: "All souls weigh the same. One life isn't worth any more than the other." If only Gabby would listen to those words. Everything becomes too much for Gabby and she breaks. Takes place during 3x12. Warning: suicide is mentioned.


**Author's Note: this story wouldn't leave my mind until I wrote it all out. It came to me after this week's episode of Chicago Fire. I just feel like Gabby is holding it all in and with everything piling up, it's only a matter of time before she breaks down and in my mind...this is how it happens. Warning, things get a little dark. Suicide is mentioned. **

**Also, music is a big inspiration for my writing and the title is from a song called 'Lost Then Found' by Leona Lewis featuring One Republic. **

**Please review. :)**

Lost Then Found

The rest of shift went by without another call for squad or truck. Almost everyone in the house seemed just fine with that.

Almost.

For Gabby, the downtime gave her even more time to think about everything. Her failed relationship with Matt. Orlovksy's accident and Shay's death. A death that was now possibly a murder. A murder that she was supposed to be the victim of, not Shay.

She spent most of the time in her quarters, only leaving her self imposed isolation to cook or go to the bathroom. She'd called the hospital every hour to check on Orlovsky and when she was finally told that he would be ok, she cried. She cried for selfish reasons. She didn't think she could handle losing someone else that meant so much to her.

_"All souls weigh the same. One life isn't worth any more than the other."_

Ever since repeating the Chaplain's words to Matt earlier she hadn't been able to keep them out of her head. She needed Matt to believe them, she couldn't bare seeing the tortured look in his eyes as he worried whether or not he had made the right decision.

If only she would learn to believe in the Chaplain's words herself.

"Dawson!"

"Shit," Gabby mumbled before stopping and waiting for Kelly to catch up with her.

It didn't take him long to jog over to her. "You ready?"

"I can't," Gabby whispered. She closed her eyes, not wanting Kelly to see the defeat within her. "Just not today…I can't."

Kelly nodded, "yeah, no, that's fine."

"No, it's not." Gabby shook her head, "I'm letting her down again. That's all I ever do anymore is let people down."

"Dawson, really, it's fine." He watched Gabby's face closely, trying to read her...to understand what she was saying. "Are you ok? I mean, with Shay's death being brought back up and everything with Casey and now the Chaplain..." he shrugged. "I just wanna make sure you're ok. I know before...I was so deep in my own grief that I never stopped to see how you were doing and-"

"I'm fine," Gabby insisted, cutting Kelly off. "She was your best friend. You had a right to grieve the way you did."

"She was your best friend, too." He scratched the back of his head, "and what you said the other day about switching places..."

"Just forget it, ok?" Gabby could see Matt approaching them out of the corner of her eye and tensed. "I have to go, I uh...yeah, I'll see you later."

Matt adjusted his bag on his shoulder and watched with great concern as Gabby hurried across the street. "What was that about?"

Kelly shrugged, "we were supposed to go back to the warehouse today to look for signs of arson and she just told me she couldn't do it. Not that I can really blame her, though. " He looked over at Matt, "has she ever really talked to you about what happened that day?"

"No…" he sighed, "but I think I found out today who she did talk to."

"Who?"

"The Chaplain."

Kelly nodded in understanding. "He's always been good at listening." He sighed, his eyes continued to watch Gabby's movements as she jumped into her car and sped off. "She's a mess, Matt. She's been a mess, we've all just been too wrapped up in our own problems to notice it. She said…she said they had switched places."

Matt narrowed his eyes in confusion, "What are you talking about?"

"Yesterday, when we went back to the warehouse...Dawson, she said she was where Shay was and that they'd changed places at the last second so Shay could be in charge of the patient. She said she just wanted Shay to know what she was doing." He shook his head as his eyes started to water. "She's been carrying that around with her all this time."

* * *

><p>Gabby pulled her hand from jacket pocket and wiped at her face, trying to hide all signs that she had been crying. She knew it was hopeless, though. Taking a breath, she knocked on the half open door and poked her head inside.<p>

Chaplain Orlovsky grinned as soon as he saw her. "Gabriela!" He winced as he raised his hand and motioned for her to come in. "It's so good to see you!"

Gabby nodded and moved into the room, "I wish it were under better circumstances, though."

"I hear you were right there as they pulled me out?"

"Matt…I mean, Lieutenant Casey did all the hard work."

The Chaplain nodded, "and there it is."

She shoved her hands into her coat pockets, "there's what?"

"The source of your sorrow."

She shook her head, "I'm not...I…"

"Give me more credit than that, Gabriela."

"It's done," she shrugged her shoulders in attempt to keep her composure. "We couldn't make it work. I couldn't…I couldn't be what he wanted. I messed up." She took a shaky breath. "I have to go...I uh...I just wanted to make sure you were going to be ok." She took a few steps back and briefly met the Chaplain's worried gaze. "Thank you."

* * *

><p>When Brett opened her door she was a little surprised to see Matt on the other side. "Lieutenant Casey…what are you doing here?"<p>

Matt gave her a slight smile, "we're off shift…you can call me Matt…or just Casey, no need to add the lieutenant."

"Right." Brett nodded, "if you're looking for Gabby, she's not here. I haven't seen her since shift."

"Oh," Matt furrowed his brow in slight worry. "Ok, well if she comes back, can you let her know I'm looking for her. She's uh…she's not answering her phone."

"Yeah, sure…I'm sure she's just taking some time to calm down. I could tell today's accident with The Chaplain really got to her."

"Yeah. Anyways, uh…thanks."

When Matt showed up at Molly's, it was busy enough that he had managed to go unnoticed by Otis and Herrmann who were up at the bar with Mills. He scanned over the faces hoping to come across Gabby's and when came up empty he sighed and made his way to the bar.

"Herrmann!"

The bar owner looked up, startled by his Lieutenant's voice. "Hey, Casey! What are you doing here?"

"Looking for Gabby. Have you seen her?"

Herrmann shook his head, "nah, she was supposed to work with me tonight but asked Otis to cover for her last minute."

"Oh. Any idea where she could be?"

"Not really. I think between Chaplain's accident and the storage fire possibly being connected to Shay's death…" Herrmann shrugged, "I think it's just become too much."

"Yeah…" Matt sighed, "I think you might be right."

"Did you try Brett's?" Otis asked, joining the conversation.

"Yeah, she's not there."

"Is she ok?" Mills asked. He quickly put his hands up in defense before Matt could say anything. "I'm only asking because I…" he sighed, Gabby was going to kill him for this. "A couple of weeks ago during shift, I found her crying in the shower. She was just sitting there, _fully dressed_ and crying."

"Yeah," Otis nearly drawled out. "Uh...I kind of walked in on a similar scene last week. The two of us were closing together and we were pretty slow so she said she was going to go do some inventory. I found her behind some boxes. She wasn't crying, but she was completely zoned out. When I asked her if everything was ok, she just shrugged me off."

"Maybe she went back home?"

"Yeah, maybe." Matt sighed, "call me if you see her?"

"You got it, Lieutenant."

"Thanks, guys."

Matt slipped out of bar and stepped back into the bitter Chicago night. He ran hand his hand over his head and massaged the back of his neck. She wasn't at Brett's apartment, she'd already been to the hospital to visit the Chaplain and she wasn't at Molly's. He was running out of places to look. He pulled his phone from his pocket, double checking for any missed calls or messages. Nothing. He sighed and contemplated calling Antonio.

* * *

><p>Matt came into the apartment and slammed the door shut.<p>

Severide looked up from his phone, "No sign of her?"

"No. I was hoping maybe she would have come back here."

"Dude, I would have called."

He sighed, "I know. I just don't know where else to look."

"I just got off the phone with Erin."

Matt stopped pacing and looked at Severide, "I thought that was over."

"It is. But we ended on good terms so I called and asked if she could keep her ears open for any police chatter that involves Gabby's description."

Matt nodded and continued to pace again, "good, that's good. Thanks." He stopped as a thought occurred to him. "When I went to see Chaplain, he'd said Gabby had stopped by right before me."

"And?"

"It was just…something he said, it didn't really hit me until just now. He said that Gabby had told him she needed to fix it…find out the truth and fix her wrongs. She needed to find out who killed Shay."

Severide shook his head, "you don't think she would go back to the warehouse by herself, do you? She told me after shift that she couldn't go back there. I mean, the girl almost broke down in tears right in front of me."

"Maybe she changed her mind?"

"Yeah, maybe."

Matt sighed, "Let's go. I'm going to call her brother on the way."

* * *

><p>Matt and Kelly pulled up to the abandoned building the same time as Antonio. They climbed out of Matt's truck and jogged across the street where Antonio had parked.<p>

"Looks like she's here," said Antonio, climbing out of his own car and motioning to Gabby's car parked just ahead of him.

Matt nodded, worry etched over his face. "Yeah. Let's go. It's freezing out. Who knows how long she's been up there. Here." He handed Antonio one of the flashlights he'd grabbed from his truck.

"Thanks."

Matt sighed, as he walked side by side with Antonio, "Antonio, I…"

Antonio shook his head, "now's not the time for explanations. Let's just find her, first."

Matt nodded and dropped from Antonio's side, instead taking another path towards another corner of the building.

"I got something!" Severide called out by the steps. Both men hurried over to him and with his light shining on their faces, he could see the looks of concern on them. He held up the necklace. "It's Shay's necklace."

Matt turned to Antonio, "Gabby's been wearing it since Shay's death."

Antonio nodded, "keep looking. I'm gonna head upstairs. How stable is the building?"

"Stable enough. Just watch your step," Matt explained.

Two at a time, Antonio took the steps to the next floor. He stopped dead in his tracks when he heard it. Crying. Gabby's crying. As a child, whenever she got upset, Gabby would go find a place to hide and cry; she hated crying in front of people.

"Gabby?" He called out. He let out a sigh of relief when he found her with her back against a wall and hugging her knees to her chest. "Hey, baby sister," Antonio leaned down in front of Gabby and gave her a small smile. "I was about ready to call into the station for a search party," he quipped, trying to let her know that he wasn't mad.

She continued to stare blankly in front of her.

Unable to keep himself balanced in the crouching position in front of Gabby, he sat down. He sighed, "you always were the best at hide and seek as a kid." He heard Matt call out Gabby's name and he yelled back, "over here, Matt!"

Hearing her brother call out Matt's name pulled Gabby out of her daze and her eyes turned towards her brother just as he angled his body to look behind him. Her eyes caught the gun at his side and before she could stop herself, in one swift move, she pulled it from its holster.

Antonio's heart stopped and he felt his body go numb. Slowly, he turned back around and his eyes locked on the gun—his gun, that was now cradled in his sister's hands. "Gabby…" he whispered. "What are you doing?"

Unaware of what had just happened, Matt called out from across the darkened building as he jogged over towards her with Severide right behind him. "Gabby! Oh thank god…" Needing to really see her, he shined his flashlight down on her and the sight before him made his stomach drop. "Gabby…"

The change in Matt's voice didn't go unnoticed by Severide and he looked over at his best friend. "What is it?" He followed the light from Matt's flashlight and his breath caught in his throat. "Oh, shit."

Antonio took a deep breath; all of his training he'd been given on talking someone down from suicide during his time as an officer, had just flown out the three story window that was just feet away from them. This wasn't a stranger waving around a gun and threatening to end it all; this was his baby sister who was in a mindset that held so much desperation that she was contemplating every possible way out. "Gabby…give me the gun."

She shook her head, eyes wide and showing lack of comprehension. "I can't." She bounced the gun in her hands, "it's heavy," she whispered. "Just like my heart…heavy. Oh, Shay!" she sobbed.

Matt held his breath and took a few steps forward, "Gabby, baby please…"

Her eyes shot up, not looking at him but through him. "Oh, Matt! I hurt him, I hurt him so much." She shook her head, "he deserves better. Everybody in my life deserves better. Someone they can really count on. Not someone who will just mess it all up. What was I thinking? Becoming a firefighter? My selfishness ruined everything. Because of me, Shay is dead…because of me, Kelly's best friend is gone and Matt…because of me, I've ruined everything for him. I break everything," she sobbed.

All three men stood in complete silence at Gabby's confession. None of them even imagining that her grief could have turned into such hatred for herself.

A heart wrenching cry fell from Gabby's lips; a cry too big for someone that small. "It should've been me!"

Matt rushed over to Gabby and dropped to his knees right in front of her, "No. You don't get to say that." He grabbed her hand that held the gun and realized just how much she was shaking. Just how unstable her emotions were. "If you're going to do it, then you might as well shoot me first because I can't live without you."

Her face, already swollen from crying, contorted in agony. "I can't."

"Let go of the gun." He held his breath when he felt Gabby's hand relax in his, "there you go," he whispered. "I got it, I got it." Gabby's hand eventually went limp and he pulled the gun from her grasp and handed it to Antonio, not once removing his eyes from Gabby.

Gabby fell into Matt's arms and grasped the material of his coat in her hands, holding on for dear life. "I'm sorry, I'm..." she gasped for air, "I can't...breathe." She pushed herself away from Matt and dropped her head as her lungs begged for air.

"Hey, hey, look at me!" He cupped her face in her hands and made her look up at him. "You need to calm down. Just breathe," he nodded, "there you go." He dropped his hands from her face and instead found her hands and squeezed them, silently encouraging her. He nodded and forced his own breathing to slow down as she started to calm down.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

Matt shook his head, "you have nothing to be sorry for. Absolutely nothing."

As if Gabby had snapped out of it, she shivered and wrapped her arms around herself. "I'm cold."

Matt smiled, "Chicago winters have never been known for their warmth." He dropped a kiss to her forehead and tilted her head up so she was looking at him. "You ready to get out of here?"

"Can I come home?"

"You don't even have to ask." Matt helped Gabby stand up and upon noticing how unsteady she was on her feet, in one swift move he picked her up.

"I can walk," Gabby mumbled. She kept her gaze down, too ashamed to even look at Kelly or her brother.

"And I can carry you." He shared a look with Antonio, silently asking him what the next move would be. Home or the hospital.

With Antonio taking the lead, Matt followed him down the steps and through the building, back into the below freezing temperatures of the Chicago night. He stopped right outside the building, "hey, Kelly, you mind driving Gabby's car back?" When he didn't hear a response he turned around just as Kelly was climbing through the pulled apart boards. "You get lost?"

Kelly held up the necklace, "almost forgot this."

"Thanks, man."

"No problem. Need me to drive something?"

"Yeah, where are your keys, Gabby?" He looked down at Gabby and was surprised to see she had fallen asleep. He shook his head and motioned towards his coat pocket. "Take my truck, my keys are in my left coat pocket."

"Got it," Kelly pulled the keys from Matt's pocket and glanced between the two men. "Will I see you guys back at the apartment? Or are you..." he trailed off, unable to say the words. Unable to form a sentence that included Gabby and suicide.

Antonio nodded, "yeah. I think she needs to see someone, but not tonight. When she pulled my gun from my holster, it was spur of the moment...not planned. I don't think..." he shook his head and sighed, second guessing himself. "I don't know." He looked up at Matt, "you're call, man."

"The apartment?" Matt asked, not completely trusting his decision. "Let her sleep and then figure out what to do tomorrow morning."

Once it was settled, Kelly gave a nod to both guys and sent a quick glance in the direction of Gabby's sleeping form before jogging across the street to Matt's truck.

Antonio fished around Gabby's coat pockets and managed to find her keys without waking her. Matt was able to get Gabby settled in the passenger seat of her car without waking her up. He shut the door as quietly as he could and turned to look at Antonio. "Listen, Antonio...I'm sorry."

"What are you sorry for?"

"Not seeing the signs. Or seeing past the facade that she had put up."

Antonio shook his head, "she fooled us both. It's not your fault." He sighed and stared through the window at his sister. "Have her call me when she wakes up tomorrow?"

Matt nodded, "absolutely."

* * *

><p>As soon as Matt lay Gabby down on the bed, she started to stir. He watched as the different emotions rolled over her face before settling on some sort of realization. Her eyes fluttered open.<p>

"Hey, sleepyhead."

Gabby looked up at him, "hey."

"How are you feeling?"

She shrugged and dropped her eyes from his. "Exhausted."

Matt nodded, he wasn't going to push her tonight. "Then I guess we should get you something to change into." He motioned up and down her body, "this can't be comfortable to sleep in." Before she could protest, he jumped up and rummaged through one of her dresser drawers. He grabbed a pair of her pajama pants and one of his old CFD hoodies she'd claimed as hers.

She mustered up a small smile and sat up so she could take the clothes he was holding out for her. "Thanks." She was taken aback when he sat back down and started unzipping her boots, "Matt..."

"I know, you can unzip your own boots but just let me help, ok?"

"Ok."

Piece by piece, Matt helped Gabby change out of her clothes and into her pajamas. He smiled when her head popped through the opening of the oversized hoody. "I'll never get tired of seeing you in my clothes. It's almost as good as seeing you in no clothes."

Although it didn't didn't quite reach her eyes, Gabby managed a smile.

"You need to call your brother. I told him I'd have you call him tomorrow morning but I really think he needs to hear from you tonight."

Gabby nodded, "ok."

Matt pulled his phone from his pocket. "Use mine. I'm not sure where yours is."

Gabby took Matt's phone and dialed the number she knew by heart.

It didn't even make it through one complete ring before Antonio answered. "Matt? Is Gabby ok?"

Gabby swallowed hard and answered, "I'm ok, Antonio."

"Gabby? I thought you were asleep? Are you sure you're ok? Don't you ever, ever do anything like that ever again!"

"I'm...I'm ok..." she wiped away the few tears that fell. "Or at least, I will be. I'm sorry, Antonio."

"You have nothing to apologize for. I'm sorry I haven't been there for you."

Gabby shook her head, "I didn't exactly make it easy."

"That's no excuse. I'm your big brother and no matter how old we get, it's my job to protect you. Just promise me you'll let Matt take care of you, ok?"

"I promise," Gabby whispered, her eyes meeting Matt's as he walked back into the bedroom from the adjoining bathroom.

"I'm coming over tomorrow morning and we're going to have a long talk. Get everything out in the open."

"Ok."

"I love you, baby sister."

Gabby smiled, "I love you, big brother."

Once the call ended, Gabby handed Matt his phone back.

Matt watched her carefully, "you ok?"

"I will be." She wiped at her tears. "He said he's stopping by tomorrow."

Matt nodded, "yeah." He sat his phone down on the nightstand and opened up the drawer, "I have something for you."

Once Gabby saw what Matt was referring to, a new wave of tears settled, on the verge of rushing free. "Matt..."

"This ring signifies my love for you, Gabby. The vows that we'll take on our wedding day, I'm promising them to you now. For better or for worse...I love you, Gabby and I know you'll come out on the other side of this stronger than ever." He slipped the ring on her finger, not an easy task with both of their hands trembling. "Just let me be there for you."

Gabby nodded and wiped her face. She laughed, a little embarrassed. "I've been crying so much my nose is running. I look a mess."

"You look beautiful." He pointed to her hand, "that better be another yes."

"It was never a no."

"Good." Matt's eyes fell to her lips. He'd missed her lips. He'd missed everything about her; her touch, her kisses, her scent, the little grunt she makes when he has to wake her up in the morning. He missed her. He leaned down and captured her lips with his. What started out as soft and tentative turned into an expression of his love for her; deep and passionate.

Their lips fell apart when the need for air became necessary. Matt smiled as he gasped for air and rested his forehead against hers, never once breaking eye contact. "You don't know how much I've missed that."

She smiled, "I think I do. I've missed it just as much. I'm sorry I left. I thought I needed space but I just...really, all I needed was you. Can hold me tonight?"

"Tonight and every night." Matt hurried out of bed and turned the lights off. As soon as he climbed back into bed and slipped underneath the covers, Gabby was cuddled at his side in an instant. She shifted until she found the perfect spot and rested her head on his chest. Matt kissed the side of her head and draped an arm around her, happy to have her back in his arms. "Comfy?"

"Perfect," she murmured. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

**The End.**

**Reviews, please? **


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